One of the difficulties faced in intimate relationships is that opposites do attract. We are often fascinated by personal traits or background characteristics in our potential partner that we, ourselves, do not possess. It is not unusual, for example, for an only child to marry someone from a large family because she is attracted to the excitement and seeming closeness of her partners large family. At the same time, he is attracted to her quiet and apparently peaceful family. It may not be long before she is accusing his family of being overwhelming and he is describing her family as too withdrawn. This is the point at which it is important to stop and recall what brought the partners together. With understanding, self-awareness, and a good measure of humor, each is more able to see the advantages and disadvantages of their own as well as their partners traits and circumstances.
Boundaries around the individual and the couple sustain the health of a relationship. This means having individual time and couple time. In successful partnerships, boundaries are created to determine when, where, and to what extent other people are a part the life of the individual and of the couple. Boundaries (with negotiated flexibility) are important for establishing and maintaining intimacy in a relationship.
Finally, intimacy is the foundation for the development of lasting bonds in a relationship. While sexual and physical connections are important, they are not the only kind of intimacy in a relationship. Emotional, spiritual, aesthetic, and recreational aspects of life are also areas in which intimacy grows. Without these, sexual intimacy is purely physical and unlikely to sustain a relationship over the long-term.
Relationships don't just happen! They require work and care to endure and, with time, to evolve in ways that keep both partners fulfilled. Such labors are well worth the effort, though, since a lasting marital relationship is the most rewarding bond in life..
Friday, August 6, 2010
In Love...or Lust?
You know how it feels. You probably don't care why it feels that way. You're just loving it. But you do care about not falling for your partner purely because you lust after them. Lust is integral with the first part of any sound intimate relationship - it's the infatuation (or romance) stage. But maybe you're now questioning, 'Am I really in love with them, or is it just lust?'
The problem you face, if you're asking this question from within that first part of a relationship, is - it's almost impossible to work out the answer once you're in it. Ideally, you'd have worked out well before you start dating anyone who you need to get with in order to be truly compatible.
Because the difference between a relationship that turns into love and one that ends at lust is compatibility. Lust is all centred around your 'sexual compatibility'. If your partner's face and physique fits your map of what's gorgeous, if they talk, move and communicate in a way that pushes your buttons, then you have lust. And I know how fantastic that feels. However, if you lack the compatibility on other levels, then when the chemicals start to fade from your body, the lust will disappear and you'll be left with someone who you probably don't even fancy any more and certainly don't love.
Of course, it's possible to fall in love with someone and not be fully compatible - but that's another issue! What I'm really saying is that a relationship that's about lust is almost wholly based around the element of 'sexual compatibility'. And that's not enough for a truly loving relationship.
The problem you face, if you're asking this question from within that first part of a relationship, is - it's almost impossible to work out the answer once you're in it. Ideally, you'd have worked out well before you start dating anyone who you need to get with in order to be truly compatible.
Because the difference between a relationship that turns into love and one that ends at lust is compatibility. Lust is all centred around your 'sexual compatibility'. If your partner's face and physique fits your map of what's gorgeous, if they talk, move and communicate in a way that pushes your buttons, then you have lust. And I know how fantastic that feels. However, if you lack the compatibility on other levels, then when the chemicals start to fade from your body, the lust will disappear and you'll be left with someone who you probably don't even fancy any more and certainly don't love.
Of course, it's possible to fall in love with someone and not be fully compatible - but that's another issue! What I'm really saying is that a relationship that's about lust is almost wholly based around the element of 'sexual compatibility'. And that's not enough for a truly loving relationship.
Breakups
We all know getting dumped sucks! And, nothing is more heartbreaking than discovering the person you trusted and loved most in the world wants you out of their life. News like this can be devastating, especially when it appears unexpectedly. If only you'd known the breakup warning signs before hand, perhaps you could have stopped it from happening.
Certainly, there are many signs that show little relationship problems, but I'm going to reveal to you 5 telltale signs that you're about to get dumped in the very near future.
1) Your Significant Other Becomes Emotionally or Physically Distant
Them being Physically Distant occurs when they stop making time for you. They may all of a sudden avoid doing the usual couple pastimes that you do together, like watching your favorite TV shows, going out with friends, going out to dinner, etc. Then there's them being Emotionally Distant, this is a strong signal that your relationship is in jeopardy. For instance, have you noticed if your partner has changed the way they communicate with you, do they speak to you in a different tone or avoid eye contact? Are your conversations with them short sentences or quick answers? Do they avoid making plans to do things together? Things like this are definite telltale signals that their emotional ties to the relationship are beginning to unravel.
2) His/Her Daily Routine Changes
Another red flag that your relationship is in trouble is if your partner changes their schedule drastically so they spend less time with you and more time, let's say, at the office, barring a promotion at work of course which may cause them to work long hours. However, if that's not the case and they are spending more hours at work, then you might want to be concerned.
3) You and Your Partner Argue With Increasing or Decreasing Frequency
Nobody likes to argue constantly, but if you've noticed the arguments have disappeared completely this may mean your partner has begun to sever their emotional ties to the relationship. If they swiftly retreat from confrontation this is an indication they are either unbelievably discouraged with you or they've stopped caring all together.
4) Physical Intimacy Shows Steep Decline
Honestly, it's normal for the bedroom romance to change over time because of numerous circumstances, but if you find that the intimacy level in your relationship has dwindled immensely that means it's time to start suspecting the split.
This says a lot about the romantic bond between you. Intimate contact is a powerful way of connecting with your mate and when it begins to disappear it's usually an alarm there is something very wrong in the relationship.Withdrawing from intimate contact is an approach women use to keep an equal balance of power in the relationship. However, when men start withdrawing from intimate contact it generally means they've lost interest or are having an affair.
5) Your Partners Grooming Habits Begin to Change
If your partner has always taken pride in their appearance and you're now noticing they no longer spend time getting themselves ready and have started to let themselves go, this could be a sign you relationship is heading south, unless there are medical circumstances involved like depression setting in. If that's not the case, then they're trying to make themselves unattractive to you and you'll leave them alone. On the other hand, if your partner has always somewhat cared about their appearance but has stepped up the grooming process, you might want to be a little worried, because if they didn't try that hard in the beginning but are now, this could be an indication the relationship may be ending and they're looking for someone new.
Certainly, there are many signs that show little relationship problems, but I'm going to reveal to you 5 telltale signs that you're about to get dumped in the very near future.
1) Your Significant Other Becomes Emotionally or Physically Distant
Them being Physically Distant occurs when they stop making time for you. They may all of a sudden avoid doing the usual couple pastimes that you do together, like watching your favorite TV shows, going out with friends, going out to dinner, etc. Then there's them being Emotionally Distant, this is a strong signal that your relationship is in jeopardy. For instance, have you noticed if your partner has changed the way they communicate with you, do they speak to you in a different tone or avoid eye contact? Are your conversations with them short sentences or quick answers? Do they avoid making plans to do things together? Things like this are definite telltale signals that their emotional ties to the relationship are beginning to unravel.
2) His/Her Daily Routine Changes
Another red flag that your relationship is in trouble is if your partner changes their schedule drastically so they spend less time with you and more time, let's say, at the office, barring a promotion at work of course which may cause them to work long hours. However, if that's not the case and they are spending more hours at work, then you might want to be concerned.
3) You and Your Partner Argue With Increasing or Decreasing Frequency
Nobody likes to argue constantly, but if you've noticed the arguments have disappeared completely this may mean your partner has begun to sever their emotional ties to the relationship. If they swiftly retreat from confrontation this is an indication they are either unbelievably discouraged with you or they've stopped caring all together.
4) Physical Intimacy Shows Steep Decline
Honestly, it's normal for the bedroom romance to change over time because of numerous circumstances, but if you find that the intimacy level in your relationship has dwindled immensely that means it's time to start suspecting the split.
This says a lot about the romantic bond between you. Intimate contact is a powerful way of connecting with your mate and when it begins to disappear it's usually an alarm there is something very wrong in the relationship.Withdrawing from intimate contact is an approach women use to keep an equal balance of power in the relationship. However, when men start withdrawing from intimate contact it generally means they've lost interest or are having an affair.
5) Your Partners Grooming Habits Begin to Change
If your partner has always taken pride in their appearance and you're now noticing they no longer spend time getting themselves ready and have started to let themselves go, this could be a sign you relationship is heading south, unless there are medical circumstances involved like depression setting in. If that's not the case, then they're trying to make themselves unattractive to you and you'll leave them alone. On the other hand, if your partner has always somewhat cared about their appearance but has stepped up the grooming process, you might want to be a little worried, because if they didn't try that hard in the beginning but are now, this could be an indication the relationship may be ending and they're looking for someone new.
The Honeymoon Stage
Falling in Love is an experience that has been written about all throughout history and everyone who has had the experience will always remember it with a smile. Some might even hop from one relationship to the next just to get the thrill of the honeymoon stage back - only to find that with every new partner it eventually fades away. Why is that?
The honeymoon stage, also called honeymoon period, is when the relationship is happy and stable. The emphasis is on the couple's 'sameness'. They do everything together. The challenges are being able to separate enough from their family and developing the expression of their positive emotions, love and sexuality.
The honeymoon stage is where we fall in love. It is the time when you cannot stop thinking about the other person, you want to spend all the time together, you share this intense connection with 'your soul mate', you talk about him or her to all your friends, you neglect your friends and family to be with your loved one, you can stay up all night and still have energy the next day, you live with not much food, you are totally attracted to one another with usually high sexual arousal, you find yourself daydreaming about a future together and some even visualize the wedding.
This craziness is fuelled by hormones. Biologically it is linked with the time needed for a couple to procreate and conceive a child. Thus it also makes sense why we find ourselves in the patterns mentioned in the previous paragraph, with heightened attraction and intensified sexual desire.
The honeymoon stage, also called honeymoon period, is when the relationship is happy and stable. The emphasis is on the couple's 'sameness'. They do everything together. The challenges are being able to separate enough from their family and developing the expression of their positive emotions, love and sexuality.
The honeymoon stage is where we fall in love. It is the time when you cannot stop thinking about the other person, you want to spend all the time together, you share this intense connection with 'your soul mate', you talk about him or her to all your friends, you neglect your friends and family to be with your loved one, you can stay up all night and still have energy the next day, you live with not much food, you are totally attracted to one another with usually high sexual arousal, you find yourself daydreaming about a future together and some even visualize the wedding.
This craziness is fuelled by hormones. Biologically it is linked with the time needed for a couple to procreate and conceive a child. Thus it also makes sense why we find ourselves in the patterns mentioned in the previous paragraph, with heightened attraction and intensified sexual desire.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Timing in Relationships
In any endeavor in life, there's always two aspects to consider when evaluating your chances of success: 1. Those aspects you can control and 2. Those aspects which are out of your control.
If your goal is to be in a healthy, happy relationship there's a lot you can do to control that outcome. Unfortunately, you cannot control everything. For example, you can't control your partner's responses, beliefs, or behaviors. You can influence them, you can affect them, but you CANNOT control them. This is a major reason why most of us have to go through several relationship failures before we meet the right person- since we cannot control our partners, we have to find the right one who is on the same page as us.
The same is true for approaching and meeting a potential partner. There's things you can do which are under your control to create more attraction, romance, intrigue and interest, but if some other things which are not under your control interfere, you will not succeed no matter what you do. One of those issues out of your control is TIMING. As they say, "timing is everything." What does timing mean in this situation? Timing refers to circumstances being in alignment to allow the potential mate to be willing and able to be in a relationship. If the person is already in a relationship, or they have been hurt badly and don't want to be in a relationship or they don't have time to be in a relationship, then the timing is not right.
It is my firm belief based on observation and experience that all things being equal, timing is the most important ingredient to determining the potential viability of a romance or relationship. That is not to say that there is not a whole host of our important determining factors, but timing is crucial. When you look around throughout the day and see different couples around you, if you ever wonder why those two people are together, the most important reason was that they met and started considering dating when the timing was right. It could be that they would never have started dating if they met a month prior or a month later. Sure, they are attracted to each other and compatible in many ways, but the timing HAD to be right for them to be together, no matter how many other things they had in common. It could've been that if they met at the wrong time, one or both of the partners could have been in a relationship or just getting out of one and not ready to date yet.
If your goal is to be in a healthy, happy relationship there's a lot you can do to control that outcome. Unfortunately, you cannot control everything. For example, you can't control your partner's responses, beliefs, or behaviors. You can influence them, you can affect them, but you CANNOT control them. This is a major reason why most of us have to go through several relationship failures before we meet the right person- since we cannot control our partners, we have to find the right one who is on the same page as us.
The same is true for approaching and meeting a potential partner. There's things you can do which are under your control to create more attraction, romance, intrigue and interest, but if some other things which are not under your control interfere, you will not succeed no matter what you do. One of those issues out of your control is TIMING. As they say, "timing is everything." What does timing mean in this situation? Timing refers to circumstances being in alignment to allow the potential mate to be willing and able to be in a relationship. If the person is already in a relationship, or they have been hurt badly and don't want to be in a relationship or they don't have time to be in a relationship, then the timing is not right.
It is my firm belief based on observation and experience that all things being equal, timing is the most important ingredient to determining the potential viability of a romance or relationship. That is not to say that there is not a whole host of our important determining factors, but timing is crucial. When you look around throughout the day and see different couples around you, if you ever wonder why those two people are together, the most important reason was that they met and started considering dating when the timing was right. It could be that they would never have started dating if they met a month prior or a month later. Sure, they are attracted to each other and compatible in many ways, but the timing HAD to be right for them to be together, no matter how many other things they had in common. It could've been that if they met at the wrong time, one or both of the partners could have been in a relationship or just getting out of one and not ready to date yet.
The Dreaded Break
It is important for couples to realize that a break in a relationship is not a quick fix solution to all their problems. It is not a substitute to fixing or sorting out the issues in the relationship. If you take a timeout when you are having problems, they will come to haunt you when you meet again. Before you decide that a break is required, discuss your problems and try to find a workable solution. If you then realize that you are not able to take the heat of the moment and want to get out of it for some time, you can take the much needed break.
While you may take a break from your relationship with the perspective of rejuvenating it, you may also want to think over it again. This can open the can of worms for you. Rethinking may also lead to call it quits, more so, if your relationship has not been long enough. In such cases, break up is a high probability since not much time has been invested on the relationship. In long relationships, rethinking may be healthy for the relationship as the partners know that even as the present times are turbulent, they have given much to the relationship to make it survive for so long.
It is not uncommon to see people loosing their individuality completely and being suffused with the glow of the relationship in the begining. However, as time passes the lost individuality may make attempts to resurface. If this is the reason for the stress and feelings of resentment in your relationship, a break will definitely help to rebuild ties, once you have taken the time to rediscover and reconnect with your individual self. In such cases, break may only work to cement the relationship as the partners tend to realize that they are incomplete without each other.
There are times when you don’t want to let go of the other person as you have nurtured the relationship and worked hard to ensure the togetherness. Taking a break in this case will help you to determine whether you really want the relationship to continue or you are just holding it too close to your heart for all your contribution to maintain it. A break can actually help you to know whether you really want to save the relationship or not. And if it’s worth it, why not?
While you may take a break from your relationship with the perspective of rejuvenating it, you may also want to think over it again. This can open the can of worms for you. Rethinking may also lead to call it quits, more so, if your relationship has not been long enough. In such cases, break up is a high probability since not much time has been invested on the relationship. In long relationships, rethinking may be healthy for the relationship as the partners know that even as the present times are turbulent, they have given much to the relationship to make it survive for so long.
It is not uncommon to see people loosing their individuality completely and being suffused with the glow of the relationship in the begining. However, as time passes the lost individuality may make attempts to resurface. If this is the reason for the stress and feelings of resentment in your relationship, a break will definitely help to rebuild ties, once you have taken the time to rediscover and reconnect with your individual self. In such cases, break may only work to cement the relationship as the partners tend to realize that they are incomplete without each other.
There are times when you don’t want to let go of the other person as you have nurtured the relationship and worked hard to ensure the togetherness. Taking a break in this case will help you to determine whether you really want the relationship to continue or you are just holding it too close to your heart for all your contribution to maintain it. A break can actually help you to know whether you really want to save the relationship or not. And if it’s worth it, why not?
To Call or Not to Call...
The dating game is a very complicated one. There are no set rules, because if you do something that you think is right, your "move" might blow up in your face. Once you are through with the stage of asking your date out, the date is over and you both had a great time. What next? Your dilemma after a great time with a date is: should you call her or not?
Once you two hit it off, you will have each other's number. You place that little slip of paper next to your phone and over the next few days, you mull over the fact that she is just a phone call away. The problem is whether you would have the courage to pick up that phone and actually call her, and once you do, you will constantly wonder if your timing is right. Of course, from your end, you will never determine when the perfect timing is. What you just need to remember is that it would never hurt to pick up that phone and call your date, especially if you both had a wonderful time during your first night out. Otherwise, you will constantly wonder what could have happened "if only" you had the guts to call.
Unwritten Rules of "The Call":
1) Resist the temptation to call her that very same night, because then you would seem to be too eager.
2) 3 Day Rule - After the date, a girl would really expect you to call within this three-day period. If you want to express and impress, you can call her back after a couple of days. This way, you can immediately know if your date feels the same way that you do. If you do something unexpected, like call her before the "unwritten" time limit is over, then she will be pleasantly surprised and you can be in for a good treat if she feels something special about you, too. Just keep your conversation cool and casual when you call.
3) Once you call your date, just touch base with each other. Do not scare her off with over eagerness but do not offend her either by looking as if you could not care less. You do not necessarily need to set another date again once you decide to call. This is just to let the other know what a great time you had during your night together. If the conversation goes well and moves on to other things, then who knows? You might end up preparing for a second date right after that follow-up call.
4) Follow your heart and use your instinct when making that call. A great conversation with a hefty dose of chemistry should ensure you a second, even a third date. You should gather enough courage and self-confidence if you are really aiming for a second date once you give her a call. Do not immediately assume that she will brush you off. You will never know what is going on in another person's mind, so just put yourself out there and take a risk.
5) Do a follow-up call after a few days. If you have not set a second date on the first time that you call, the next call might give you better results. The 'chasing' is the fun part of the dating game. You can use tactics and ways to flirt with each other, and try to make her think about you a lot.There should be a certain mystique about you, so that you can surprise her with your next moves.
Once you two hit it off, you will have each other's number. You place that little slip of paper next to your phone and over the next few days, you mull over the fact that she is just a phone call away. The problem is whether you would have the courage to pick up that phone and actually call her, and once you do, you will constantly wonder if your timing is right. Of course, from your end, you will never determine when the perfect timing is. What you just need to remember is that it would never hurt to pick up that phone and call your date, especially if you both had a wonderful time during your first night out. Otherwise, you will constantly wonder what could have happened "if only" you had the guts to call.
Unwritten Rules of "The Call":
1) Resist the temptation to call her that very same night, because then you would seem to be too eager.
2) 3 Day Rule - After the date, a girl would really expect you to call within this three-day period. If you want to express and impress, you can call her back after a couple of days. This way, you can immediately know if your date feels the same way that you do. If you do something unexpected, like call her before the "unwritten" time limit is over, then she will be pleasantly surprised and you can be in for a good treat if she feels something special about you, too. Just keep your conversation cool and casual when you call.
3) Once you call your date, just touch base with each other. Do not scare her off with over eagerness but do not offend her either by looking as if you could not care less. You do not necessarily need to set another date again once you decide to call. This is just to let the other know what a great time you had during your night together. If the conversation goes well and moves on to other things, then who knows? You might end up preparing for a second date right after that follow-up call.
4) Follow your heart and use your instinct when making that call. A great conversation with a hefty dose of chemistry should ensure you a second, even a third date. You should gather enough courage and self-confidence if you are really aiming for a second date once you give her a call. Do not immediately assume that she will brush you off. You will never know what is going on in another person's mind, so just put yourself out there and take a risk.
5) Do a follow-up call after a few days. If you have not set a second date on the first time that you call, the next call might give you better results. The 'chasing' is the fun part of the dating game. You can use tactics and ways to flirt with each other, and try to make her think about you a lot.There should be a certain mystique about you, so that you can surprise her with your next moves.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Evading the Blow-Off
Let's face it: Attractive women get a lot of attention. They're not looking for a guy that throws himself at her, then gives up easily. They're looking for a guy that has all kinds of self confidence, and sees right through her games... to the point where he disarms her and walks away with the digits.
I think most men have been guilty of being too nice or sweet to a woman because many men are taught to put women on a pedestal. I myself have been guilty of such an atrocity more than once. I guess it should have been obvious that teasing women and acting cocky was the way to their heart, as you can see it happening all over, but for some reason this just never clicked in my brain, and I always had this delusion that being the nicest, most sensitive guy she's ever met would make her swoon.
WRONG!!!
5 Principles to Hold Near and Dear:
1) Attractive women are approached all the time by men, and are constantly being asked for their number.
2) If you were a woman who as getting asked for your phone number forty seven times a day, you'd probably make excuses yourself.
3) The excuses and "Why don't you give me yours" type responses weed out about 95% of the losers that have no spine and no persistence.
4) If you're READY for this in advance, and you KNOW what you're going to say and do when it happens, AND you don't answer with a lame, needy, wuss response, you increase your chances of getting the number DRAMATICALLY.
5) Confident, cocky, funny responses are a great way to power through these situations.
I think most men have been guilty of being too nice or sweet to a woman because many men are taught to put women on a pedestal. I myself have been guilty of such an atrocity more than once. I guess it should have been obvious that teasing women and acting cocky was the way to their heart, as you can see it happening all over, but for some reason this just never clicked in my brain, and I always had this delusion that being the nicest, most sensitive guy she's ever met would make her swoon.
WRONG!!!
5 Principles to Hold Near and Dear:
1) Attractive women are approached all the time by men, and are constantly being asked for their number.
2) If you were a woman who as getting asked for your phone number forty seven times a day, you'd probably make excuses yourself.
3) The excuses and "Why don't you give me yours" type responses weed out about 95% of the losers that have no spine and no persistence.
4) If you're READY for this in advance, and you KNOW what you're going to say and do when it happens, AND you don't answer with a lame, needy, wuss response, you increase your chances of getting the number DRAMATICALLY.
5) Confident, cocky, funny responses are a great way to power through these situations.
Just Friends....?
If there is one universal truth in this world, it might possibly be that men and women can't be "just friends." Yea I know you probably think that your gal pal who is like one of the guys or your "bestie" who just seems to "get" you is only a friend, but remember, he or she might not be seeing the relationship in the same light. I'm not saying that such a friendship can't, won't or doesn't happen. However, it's difficult for single men and women to have a strictly platonic relationship.
I've discussed the Friend Zone in previous posts, and the concept of being Just Friends is very similar. A single man and a single woman are both looking for someone to spend their time with. Regardless of what they might tell you, nobody wakes up and says, "I hope I don't find love today." Single people might be just enjoying life and "focusing on their careers," but at the end of the day loneliness has a tendency to set in.
So, when you meet a guy or girl who you find attractive, but not in the romantic sense, chances are that they are hoping that something evolves from such a friendship. I'd be willing to bet that you have met someone with whom you had a connection, but he/she didn't seem to be as interested in the romantic side of the relationship as you were. But you hoped that the corny ass phrase, "all good relationships develop from friendships" was an actual truth rather than another lonely person just feeding themselves with feel good philosophies.
I suppose I should just get to the point and be as blunt as possible. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, whom you consider your "bestie," chances are he or she is hoping and praying that one day you'll see how wonderful they are and want to spend the rest of your life with them. Humorous and sad as it may be, this is a regular occurrence in the dating realm which can and should be avoided. I'm sure it might be a little awkward now that you've opened your eyes to his/her undying love for you, but let's face it, if you couldn't see it before odds are that you just enjoyed the attention and the fact that someone of the opposite sex would be there for you no matter what. (see also security blanket)
I've discussed the Friend Zone in previous posts, and the concept of being Just Friends is very similar. A single man and a single woman are both looking for someone to spend their time with. Regardless of what they might tell you, nobody wakes up and says, "I hope I don't find love today." Single people might be just enjoying life and "focusing on their careers," but at the end of the day loneliness has a tendency to set in.
So, when you meet a guy or girl who you find attractive, but not in the romantic sense, chances are that they are hoping that something evolves from such a friendship. I'd be willing to bet that you have met someone with whom you had a connection, but he/she didn't seem to be as interested in the romantic side of the relationship as you were. But you hoped that the corny ass phrase, "all good relationships develop from friendships" was an actual truth rather than another lonely person just feeding themselves with feel good philosophies.
I suppose I should just get to the point and be as blunt as possible. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, whom you consider your "bestie," chances are he or she is hoping and praying that one day you'll see how wonderful they are and want to spend the rest of your life with them. Humorous and sad as it may be, this is a regular occurrence in the dating realm which can and should be avoided. I'm sure it might be a little awkward now that you've opened your eyes to his/her undying love for you, but let's face it, if you couldn't see it before odds are that you just enjoyed the attention and the fact that someone of the opposite sex would be there for you no matter what. (see also security blanket)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Control Issue?!?
Long-term intimate relationships are created through a healthy balance of two committed people. Throw a control freak or controlling behavior into the mix and the possibility for lasting intimacy in a relationship vanishes. What is the difference between control freaks and the rest of us?Most of us will admit that we like being right and getting our way. Many of us will confess that being right and getting our way are so important to us that we will even make special efforts by reinforcing our point with ‘facts’ and debate. But then there are those folks who go over the top with being right and aggressively pursue getting their way. Their self-worth and sense of security seem to ride on it. They say they are not controlling, but right. Control-focused folks may insist and persist until others cave (to shut them up) or acknowledge their way as right. Blind to appropriate limits on pushing, they travel too far into others’ boundaries. These individuals are the control freaks.
Despite jumping over personal boundaries, control freaks do not cross all lines with others. Many control freaks are likable and lovable with good intentions. Some controlling people are not easily dismissed from our lives due to specific circumstances, like family or job. There are also controlling people who seem impossible to leave behind because of the toxic power they possess.These are the people who are dangerous to us because they escalate their controlling behavior with powerful threats, verbal abuse, or physical violence. This discussion does not describe these relationships. Aggressive and dominating people who cause harm or create the fear that they may do so are not control freaks.
Intimacy or closeness is severely affected in a relationship dominated by controlling behavior. Typically, the controlling person smothers the other one who becomes emotionally absent, numb, defensively passive, or simply withdraws. Over time, emotions deaden due to repeated criticism, ridicule, disagreement, and simple aggravation with the controlling partner. How can anyone continue to feel intimate or close under those circumstances?If your spouse or significant other is a control freak (or you are), ignoring, tolerating, or accepting the controlling behavior has a serious side effect: discouraging or eliminating intimacy. Too much of these passive behaviors toward a partner, especially a control freak, creates lopsidedness in the relationship. This imbalance will not satisfy the relationship needs of the tolerant, accepting, or laid-back person very well or for very long. Distance and dissatisfaction grow silently. The controlling person may not recognize it.
Moral of the story: Control freaks and their partners, who over-tolerate long-term controlling behavior from them, conspire together and can easily wipe out loving intimacy in their relationships.
Despite jumping over personal boundaries, control freaks do not cross all lines with others. Many control freaks are likable and lovable with good intentions. Some controlling people are not easily dismissed from our lives due to specific circumstances, like family or job. There are also controlling people who seem impossible to leave behind because of the toxic power they possess.These are the people who are dangerous to us because they escalate their controlling behavior with powerful threats, verbal abuse, or physical violence. This discussion does not describe these relationships. Aggressive and dominating people who cause harm or create the fear that they may do so are not control freaks.
Intimacy or closeness is severely affected in a relationship dominated by controlling behavior. Typically, the controlling person smothers the other one who becomes emotionally absent, numb, defensively passive, or simply withdraws. Over time, emotions deaden due to repeated criticism, ridicule, disagreement, and simple aggravation with the controlling partner. How can anyone continue to feel intimate or close under those circumstances?If your spouse or significant other is a control freak (or you are), ignoring, tolerating, or accepting the controlling behavior has a serious side effect: discouraging or eliminating intimacy. Too much of these passive behaviors toward a partner, especially a control freak, creates lopsidedness in the relationship. This imbalance will not satisfy the relationship needs of the tolerant, accepting, or laid-back person very well or for very long. Distance and dissatisfaction grow silently. The controlling person may not recognize it.
Moral of the story: Control freaks and their partners, who over-tolerate long-term controlling behavior from them, conspire together and can easily wipe out loving intimacy in their relationships.
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