A big indicator of whether you have the emotional maturity to weather the storms of a shared life is how good you are at delaying gratification. If either you or your partner are still letting "I want to feel good right now" rule your life without taking a long view of consequences you are not ready. If you are immediate gratification-driven but in love with the idea of commitment you may think you have found "the one" many times over, only to break up and start over again. Or you may try to have your cake and eat it too by keeping more than one partner in play and giving mixed messages about commitment to all of them.
Another indicator of emotional maturity is embracing interdependence - the ability to be self-reliant while also being comfortable with giving and accepting support. If you are afraid you can't live contentedly and well without a partner, chances are you will make relationship decisions that are based on security-seeking rather than balanced self-sufficiency and ability to depend on others. The more dependent you are, the more likely you are to think every love affair is "the one" at first, in order to hold on to (a false) sense of security.
On the other hand, if you're looking for love but you've convinced yourself that it's foolish or weak to ever depend on anyone other than yourself, you are what psychologists call "counter-dependent" - and you'll make sure it's never a good time to commit. You might do this by rationalizing that no one ever meets your copious criteria for a perfect match, when the real deal is you don't trust anyone to share the reins with you. For some people, interdependence is easier to maintain in friendships than romantic bonds because romantic attachments dredge up many more family-of-origin vulnerabilities related to abandonment, control, sexual anxieties etc.
Emotional maturity also includes the ability to be resilient after suffering losses.
If you are afraid that losing love will crush you beyond repair you are more likely to try to force-fit inappropriate partners into your love mold and stay in bad relationships too long just because breaking up seems unbearably painful. If you are confident that you can pick yourself up and learn something about yourself and others from relationships that don't work out, you can cut your losses in a healthy way. Finally, emotionally mature people have a developed sense of empathy. They can understand and support someone else's feelings and attitudes, even if they disagree, without jeopardizing their own
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Heartbreak
Life never stops just because you feel miserable. And the worst part is people don't stop laughing and having fun just because you are sad. Happiness is a choice and i sincerely believe it. If you choose to be happy you can do anything in this world. Your partner has left you and you do not even know what to do. Your heart is having mixed feeling that you do not understand. One minute you are laughing and the next one you are crying your heart out. Dealing with a heartbreak is hard but a few tips of how to effectively overcome a heartbreak should help you.
Avoid staying alone in a room all locked up. Just after a heartbreak most people want to stay alone in a room. They isolate themselves from people. This is a major mistake that if you are dealing with a heartbreak you should avoid. Once you stay alone you start feeling more alone and you are reminded of the fact that your partner left you and you start thinking wild thoughts. You even start blaming yourself and you feel like its all your fault they left. It can never be entirely your fault. They too have a part to play in the break up, do not blame yourself. You can always go out to meet with new people, you can also join a club and play games. If you love basket ball or any other game, this is the time to go out and re explore your talent. This way you will have a lot of fun.
Lastly, be positive and grateful at the same time they left you. Being grateful can be a hard thing to do especially if you do not see why you should be grateful yet you are hurting. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes the bad situation you think you are in could be saving you from a worst situation. As hard as this could be to believe its true. Your partner could have become resentful to you and the best thing they did was to break up with you before they did something bad to hurt you. That way, your life would be safe. Break ups only lead us to appreciate and love our next partners more. They also lead us to meet that perfect person. So remember to be positive when dealing with a heartbreak.
Avoid staying alone in a room all locked up. Just after a heartbreak most people want to stay alone in a room. They isolate themselves from people. This is a major mistake that if you are dealing with a heartbreak you should avoid. Once you stay alone you start feeling more alone and you are reminded of the fact that your partner left you and you start thinking wild thoughts. You even start blaming yourself and you feel like its all your fault they left. It can never be entirely your fault. They too have a part to play in the break up, do not blame yourself. You can always go out to meet with new people, you can also join a club and play games. If you love basket ball or any other game, this is the time to go out and re explore your talent. This way you will have a lot of fun.
Lastly, be positive and grateful at the same time they left you. Being grateful can be a hard thing to do especially if you do not see why you should be grateful yet you are hurting. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes the bad situation you think you are in could be saving you from a worst situation. As hard as this could be to believe its true. Your partner could have become resentful to you and the best thing they did was to break up with you before they did something bad to hurt you. That way, your life would be safe. Break ups only lead us to appreciate and love our next partners more. They also lead us to meet that perfect person. So remember to be positive when dealing with a heartbreak.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Trust
Regardless of your politics, the person who wins any election is the one who voters think is most aligned with their "rules" for living.A vote for a candidate, especially in this election where such a high percentage of people did vote, says "I trust you." This is no different from how it is in your relationships.
As we are choosing whether to be in arelationship with someone or not, we are looking for how we are aligned with him or her. Whether we realize it or not, we are looking for someone with similar "rules" for living. We are looking for someone in alignment with whatever rules we've made up about what a relationship looks like. When we do commit to being in a relationship, for most people, it's a "vote" that says "I trust you."
What usually happens when you make that commitment is that the relationship goes along just fine until (and I use the word "until"on purpose) one or both of you does something or not do something to break the trust in small or not so small ways. One or both of you might have made a half-hearted "trust vote" because of painful experiences in past relationships which makes trusting in this relationship pretty difficult.
You may have withheld trust because your "rules" say that you'll be hurt if you do. Now of course, most of us withhold our trust and ourselves from others from time to time and in some cases, maybe for good reason. But if you want a close, connected, loving relationship with better communication, passion or whatever else you want, you'll want to look at where you might be withholding your true self.
As we are choosing whether to be in arelationship with someone or not, we are looking for how we are aligned with him or her. Whether we realize it or not, we are looking for someone with similar "rules" for living. We are looking for someone in alignment with whatever rules we've made up about what a relationship looks like. When we do commit to being in a relationship, for most people, it's a "vote" that says "I trust you."
What usually happens when you make that commitment is that the relationship goes along just fine until (and I use the word "until"on purpose) one or both of you does something or not do something to break the trust in small or not so small ways. One or both of you might have made a half-hearted "trust vote" because of painful experiences in past relationships which makes trusting in this relationship pretty difficult.
You may have withheld trust because your "rules" say that you'll be hurt if you do. Now of course, most of us withhold our trust and ourselves from others from time to time and in some cases, maybe for good reason. But if you want a close, connected, loving relationship with better communication, passion or whatever else you want, you'll want to look at where you might be withholding your true self.
No Excuse..
If you are someone who is a habitual excuse maker it might be a good idea to ask yourself why you deliberately choose to be less than truthful. Do you fear the scrutiny of friends, family, or coworkers? Are you uncomfortable with opening yourself up to others? Sometimes, making up a lame excuse to avoid attending a social event is done for self-preservation. Are you afraid your attendance would make you feel inadequate, vulnerable, or foolish?
Are your excuses meant to inflate your worthiness in the eyes of others? Ego does play a factor in habitual excuse making. However, indulging in ego-boosting through excuse making will likely have the reverse result: deflated personal self-worth. You can trick others into believing a lie, but convincing yourself is not as easy. Or is it? If you tell a lie convincingly enough and you get away with it you may also begin believing it yourself. It's true. Overtime, an excuse-maker will start buying into his own cons and, as a result, live a lie.
Changing deceptive behaviors can be a little tricky for the chronic excuse maker. Twisting the truth becomes a way of life, almost an art form. Whenever excuses are found out to be erroneous, instead of giving a sincere apology for being untruthful the person will attempt to craft a creative non-apology (another excuse) that just adds to the original deception. This is called "digging yourself into a deeper hole."
Taking responsibility for your actions is the grown-up thing to do. Admitting your failures and accepting that you are not perfect may be hard to swallow at first. But, as you stop making excuses for yourself, you will soon realize how emotionally freeing your life can be. I know it is cliché - but "Honesty (really) is the best policy."
Are your excuses meant to inflate your worthiness in the eyes of others? Ego does play a factor in habitual excuse making. However, indulging in ego-boosting through excuse making will likely have the reverse result: deflated personal self-worth. You can trick others into believing a lie, but convincing yourself is not as easy. Or is it? If you tell a lie convincingly enough and you get away with it you may also begin believing it yourself. It's true. Overtime, an excuse-maker will start buying into his own cons and, as a result, live a lie.
Changing deceptive behaviors can be a little tricky for the chronic excuse maker. Twisting the truth becomes a way of life, almost an art form. Whenever excuses are found out to be erroneous, instead of giving a sincere apology for being untruthful the person will attempt to craft a creative non-apology (another excuse) that just adds to the original deception. This is called "digging yourself into a deeper hole."
Taking responsibility for your actions is the grown-up thing to do. Admitting your failures and accepting that you are not perfect may be hard to swallow at first. But, as you stop making excuses for yourself, you will soon realize how emotionally freeing your life can be. I know it is cliché - but "Honesty (really) is the best policy."
Wnat Him/Her Back?!
When thinking about how to get your ex back, you may have a strong desire to talk things through with your ex… you might think that if you could get them to sit down and discuss the problems in your relationship you might be able to convince them not to end the relationship. You might think that the easiest way to get them back might be to sit down and calmly discuss their grievances and once you have overcome all their objections they will happily come running back to you.
Please don’t kid yourself for a minute by thinking that talking things through will ever work. Chances are that even offers to attend counseling on your own or together are probably going to fall on deaf ears. Chances are that if your relationship was on a downhill slide for a while an offer to discuss any problems or attend counseling will appear to be a last ditch effort to manipulate your ex into getting back together.
This is not to say that counseling doesn’t have its place in a relationship. Counseling can be a very powerful and effective tool to help cement your relationship once both you and your partner have decided that getting back together is what you both desire. A counselor can be an impartial referee that can point out areas that both of you might wish to work on separately and together to help enhance your relationship.
As far as wanting to sit down with your ex and discuss what went wrong in the relationship, for the moment, nothing good can come of this. Any desire that you might say you have for “closure” or some sort of understanding of what went wrong stands little chance of being helpful to you. Haven’t you been hurt enough as it is? Why subject yourself to further rejection? Why do you want to know in detail why this person who loved you so much at one time now desires to be apart from you? Spare yourself the pain, retain your dignity and leave that discussion for another day.
Now is the time for you to rebuild yourself and heal from the wounds that you have suffered at the hands of your ex. Yes, it may be helpful at some point to take an inventory of yourself and see if there is any truth in the accusations that your ex has hurled at you. See if your ex has indeed pointed out any areas that you also feel are unacceptable in your life and set about to make some changes if you feel that YOU might benefit in the long run.
Please don’t kid yourself for a minute by thinking that talking things through will ever work. Chances are that even offers to attend counseling on your own or together are probably going to fall on deaf ears. Chances are that if your relationship was on a downhill slide for a while an offer to discuss any problems or attend counseling will appear to be a last ditch effort to manipulate your ex into getting back together.
This is not to say that counseling doesn’t have its place in a relationship. Counseling can be a very powerful and effective tool to help cement your relationship once both you and your partner have decided that getting back together is what you both desire. A counselor can be an impartial referee that can point out areas that both of you might wish to work on separately and together to help enhance your relationship.
As far as wanting to sit down with your ex and discuss what went wrong in the relationship, for the moment, nothing good can come of this. Any desire that you might say you have for “closure” or some sort of understanding of what went wrong stands little chance of being helpful to you. Haven’t you been hurt enough as it is? Why subject yourself to further rejection? Why do you want to know in detail why this person who loved you so much at one time now desires to be apart from you? Spare yourself the pain, retain your dignity and leave that discussion for another day.
Now is the time for you to rebuild yourself and heal from the wounds that you have suffered at the hands of your ex. Yes, it may be helpful at some point to take an inventory of yourself and see if there is any truth in the accusations that your ex has hurled at you. See if your ex has indeed pointed out any areas that you also feel are unacceptable in your life and set about to make some changes if you feel that YOU might benefit in the long run.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Deal or No Deal...
One of the best things about a relationship is being able to have a built-in best friend. Your partner is the person you can spend a lazy Sunday with or your big Friday night out. However, be sure to keep the relationships with your own group of friends intact. Men want a woman who’s not only willing but wants to have a girl’s night out. It’s attractive for a woman to have her own hobbies and interests. The time apart only reminds him of just how great you are.
Whether you are a smoker, or constantly the sloppy drunk at the bar, it’s clear your vices could be a deal breaker for a potential mate. Sure, the party was great but while you were getting inebriated he was busy being embarrassed or talking to someone who wasn’t slurring her words. Besides the obvious vices, some men say bad habits like poor hygiene or being very messy are also a turn off. Just think, would you want to date someone with bad breath or a dirty bathroom?
Lying just proves to your potential suitor that you aren’t really interested in a relationship because with Internet search engines and social networking sites it’s simple to do a quick check to see if your story is true. Before lying to your date about your age, career or education just think that if the relationship does work out he is eventually going to find out what your birth date is, where you’re employed or your alma mater and that’s going to be an awkward conversation to have.
Women who don’t deal with their personal insecurities before meeting Mr. Right are only setting themselves up for a potential deal breaker. It’s normal to have a bad day but constantly being negative about your body or looks only brings attention to your flaws real or perceived and makes you come off bitter and negative, traits that are never attractive. Just like women, men are looking for a mate who is self-assured.
Most men will say cheating gives them carte blanche to call off the relationship. As one of the biggest deal breakers, there are not many second chances when it comes to cheating because it’s setting the person up for another bout of infidelity. This, the big lebowskie of deal breakers,is vital to avoid as men are very proud and tend to be quite unforgiving. Due to the fact that women typically require an emotional attraction as well as physical in order to cheat, the likelyhood of a man taking a woman back after infidelity is about 2 %.
Whether you are a smoker, or constantly the sloppy drunk at the bar, it’s clear your vices could be a deal breaker for a potential mate. Sure, the party was great but while you were getting inebriated he was busy being embarrassed or talking to someone who wasn’t slurring her words. Besides the obvious vices, some men say bad habits like poor hygiene or being very messy are also a turn off. Just think, would you want to date someone with bad breath or a dirty bathroom?
Lying just proves to your potential suitor that you aren’t really interested in a relationship because with Internet search engines and social networking sites it’s simple to do a quick check to see if your story is true. Before lying to your date about your age, career or education just think that if the relationship does work out he is eventually going to find out what your birth date is, where you’re employed or your alma mater and that’s going to be an awkward conversation to have.
Women who don’t deal with their personal insecurities before meeting Mr. Right are only setting themselves up for a potential deal breaker. It’s normal to have a bad day but constantly being negative about your body or looks only brings attention to your flaws real or perceived and makes you come off bitter and negative, traits that are never attractive. Just like women, men are looking for a mate who is self-assured.
Most men will say cheating gives them carte blanche to call off the relationship. As one of the biggest deal breakers, there are not many second chances when it comes to cheating because it’s setting the person up for another bout of infidelity. This, the big lebowskie of deal breakers,is vital to avoid as men are very proud and tend to be quite unforgiving. Due to the fact that women typically require an emotional attraction as well as physical in order to cheat, the likelyhood of a man taking a woman back after infidelity is about 2 %.
The Clinger
Stage 5 Clinger - A member of the opposite sex that is likely to become overly attached, overly fast. Virgins, those on the rebound, and the emotionally fragile are more likely to have this term applied to them.
We’ve all heard of the term “The Stage 5 Clinger” when describing a significant other who well, JUST WON’T GO AWAY! Men have experienced this CLINGING effect but how do you know if you’re the one being labeled the “Clinger?” Take a look at the checklist below and if any are sounding a little bit too familiar you might want to reevaluate how you handle your man!
1) The day following the first date he will receive 3 missed phone calls all accompanied by voicemail.
2) Before the end of the first date you’ve already proposed a second date. “I’ve already made the reservations!”
3) In the first week you’ve informed him where you want to get married, how many children you see yourself having, and what your family’s dog name will be.
4) Somehow his number found it’s way into your phone settings Fav5 or number 1-3 on speed dial.
5) You have friend requested his close friends on Facebook.
6) He fails to respond to a text after 20 minutes of being sent, you immediately formulate reasons why he is ignoring you, all while having a panic attack!
7) You say “Yes!” every time he asks if you’re free. You’re screaming “available.”
8) If Facebook had a limit for amount of views a person can have on a page per day, your account would have been shut down and you’re left with no access to the Face “stalk” world.
9) You find yourself checking your phone every 10 minutes. “I thought I heard it go off!”
10) Calling his mom the first week of dating seems like a “normal” thing to do.
Sound Familiar?!?!......
....THEN FOR GOD'S SAKE PUMP THE BREAKS!!!
We’ve all heard of the term “The Stage 5 Clinger” when describing a significant other who well, JUST WON’T GO AWAY! Men have experienced this CLINGING effect but how do you know if you’re the one being labeled the “Clinger?” Take a look at the checklist below and if any are sounding a little bit too familiar you might want to reevaluate how you handle your man!
1) The day following the first date he will receive 3 missed phone calls all accompanied by voicemail.
2) Before the end of the first date you’ve already proposed a second date. “I’ve already made the reservations!”
3) In the first week you’ve informed him where you want to get married, how many children you see yourself having, and what your family’s dog name will be.
4) Somehow his number found it’s way into your phone settings Fav5 or number 1-3 on speed dial.
5) You have friend requested his close friends on Facebook.
6) He fails to respond to a text after 20 minutes of being sent, you immediately formulate reasons why he is ignoring you, all while having a panic attack!
7) You say “Yes!” every time he asks if you’re free. You’re screaming “available.”
8) If Facebook had a limit for amount of views a person can have on a page per day, your account would have been shut down and you’re left with no access to the Face “stalk” world.
9) You find yourself checking your phone every 10 minutes. “I thought I heard it go off!”
10) Calling his mom the first week of dating seems like a “normal” thing to do.
Sound Familiar?!?!......
....THEN FOR GOD'S SAKE PUMP THE BREAKS!!!
Emotional Infidelity
Any way you look at it. cheating is a good way to ruin a relationship. Often, when one partner cheats on the other, trust is lost and there is little chance of regaining it. This is likely not news to anyone, but there is more than one category of cheating.
First, there is sexual cheating, where the man feels no emotional connection with the woman and is basically only interested in her for sexual purposes and the excitement that sleeping with her may offer.The second type of cheating is emotional, where a man finds himself becoming emotionally connected to another woman. He may greatly enjoy her company, talking to her, and sharing his concerns and thoughts about life with her. He will begin to feel as though he would rather spend his spare time with her than with his girlfriend or wife.
Emotional cheating is the type of cheating that most women find more destructive for their relationship. Women know that there are many other attractive women out there and that men are very visually stimulated by nature. Not that this condones sexual cheating, but it is well known that some men have a hard time controlling their sexual desires.The situation is more hurtful to a woman when her partner finds someone else whose personality he enjoys more. She often sees this as a sign that she no longer is interesting to him and that she is not fulfilling his emotional needs.
I would argue that emotional cheating is probably the most unforgivable of all unfaithful acts. Flirting, texting, sexting, etc. are all gateways to the land of emotional infidelity and should be avoided at all costs. Physical/Sexual infidelity is an awful act but can be forgiven if shown true remorse, but emotional cheating is not only unforgivable in her eyes, but should be a red flag for both a man and woman as the relationship is just not meant to be...
First, there is sexual cheating, where the man feels no emotional connection with the woman and is basically only interested in her for sexual purposes and the excitement that sleeping with her may offer.The second type of cheating is emotional, where a man finds himself becoming emotionally connected to another woman. He may greatly enjoy her company, talking to her, and sharing his concerns and thoughts about life with her. He will begin to feel as though he would rather spend his spare time with her than with his girlfriend or wife.
Emotional cheating is the type of cheating that most women find more destructive for their relationship. Women know that there are many other attractive women out there and that men are very visually stimulated by nature. Not that this condones sexual cheating, but it is well known that some men have a hard time controlling their sexual desires.The situation is more hurtful to a woman when her partner finds someone else whose personality he enjoys more. She often sees this as a sign that she no longer is interesting to him and that she is not fulfilling his emotional needs.
I would argue that emotional cheating is probably the most unforgivable of all unfaithful acts. Flirting, texting, sexting, etc. are all gateways to the land of emotional infidelity and should be avoided at all costs. Physical/Sexual infidelity is an awful act but can be forgiven if shown true remorse, but emotional cheating is not only unforgivable in her eyes, but should be a red flag for both a man and woman as the relationship is just not meant to be...
"So...What Are We?"
Whether you are dating someone new or you've been seeing someone for a couple of months, sometimes it can be awkward to make things "official." When you're in high school, it's easy to say "will you go out with me," but as you get older, things get more complicated. "Going out" means actually GOING OUT, like on a date. Asking, "Will you be my girlfriend?" sounds cheesy and a negative response can make the situation really weird. So what do you do?
Usually when dating someone casually, you get to know them a little bit. You should get a feel on how they feel about relationships and even marriage. If you're dating someone who tells you that they just got out of a relationship and aren't looking for anything serious, you should know that making it "official" is a waste of time. If you really like that person, let them bring it up.
The best way to bring up the "official" conversation is somewhere that is relaxed like a restaurant. You can casually say, "so I really like you, and I want you to know that I'm not seeing anyone else." The response you get should solidify your relationship one way or the other.
I wouldn't advise having the "official" conversation at home, simply because some women can feel like it's a way to get them in to bed, and some men feel that it guarantees them a ticket in to bed. Keep it light, airy, and honest.
Usually when dating someone casually, you get to know them a little bit. You should get a feel on how they feel about relationships and even marriage. If you're dating someone who tells you that they just got out of a relationship and aren't looking for anything serious, you should know that making it "official" is a waste of time. If you really like that person, let them bring it up.
The best way to bring up the "official" conversation is somewhere that is relaxed like a restaurant. You can casually say, "so I really like you, and I want you to know that I'm not seeing anyone else." The response you get should solidify your relationship one way or the other.
I wouldn't advise having the "official" conversation at home, simply because some women can feel like it's a way to get them in to bed, and some men feel that it guarantees them a ticket in to bed. Keep it light, airy, and honest.
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