Eb and Flow

One minute, she's the best thing to ever happen to you, the next, your worst nightmare. One day he might be your prince charming, the next, just another "silver-tongued" asshole. At some point in every relationship, we all experience ups and downs, highs and lows, good days and bad days. However, how we choose to handle such times determines how successful our relationships will be. So when experiencing the Eb and Flow of a relationship, do you confront the conflict head on, or do you push it aside in hopes that you will both forget about it?



By now, I hope that the majority of adults accept the fact that "happily ever after" is much more of a fantasy than any type of reality in regards to a relationship. But, if you are someone who believes in Prince Charming and or the perfect relationship, you are probably in a relationship that experiences a high volume of ups and downs on a consistent basis. There are several keys to solving such a problem, but it takes both sides being mature enough to admit guilt or wrong-doing.



5 Keys to Minimize Eb and Flow:



1). Avoid bringing up past arguments



2). If at all possible, keep yelling to a minimum



3). Listen to opposing view



4). Step away for reflection



5). Talk it Out

An "I" for an "I"

On Monday, I briefly touched on the aspect of people becoming increasingly selfish in monogamous relationships. When listening to friends, family and acquaintances discuss relationships I always hear people say, "I want," or "I need" and maybe even "I wish he or she would do this...," when discussing their respective relationships. However I rarely hear any "We" statements or comments such as "I need to work on..," or "I made a mistake..." in conversations about one's significant other. Obviously I'm not around these individuals or couples on a regular basis, but I do believe there is something fundamentally wrong with this way of thinking in regards to a relationship.



I remember when I was about 20 years old and discussing a relationship with my father. I kept saying "I wish," "I want," and "I need" in my comments I was making about my girlfriend at the time. He stopped me and said, "Christopher, if you ever want to be with someone long term you have to stop thinking I and start thinking we." To my dismay, I still remember that conversation like it was yesterday. I am as guilty as any person of being selfish in my relationships but have, through repeated mistakes, come to realize how important it is to, on occasion, put my significant others needs first.

Contrary to popular belief, relationship aren't about power or even about being in control. The want or need to be in control is a direct reflection of insecurity. Upon entering a relationship, each person is afraid of getting hurt, but one might say that to be in a relationship is to be vulnerable. By saying this, I am not saying you are to be completely selfless when romantically involved, because that's just an open invitation to be taken advantage of. What I am saying is that you must decide if the person you are with is more important than a particular want or "need." More importantly, you must be able to determine if you are mature enough to be able to give enough to even be involved in a long-term relationship.

So, I guess the consensus might be that we are in fact our own worst enemy when it comes to romance.

The Give and Take

One way or another a relationship between a man and a woman typically possesses a giver and a taker. Sure, you might find that rare relationship in which both sides equally give and take, but a vast majority of people are inherently givers or takers. Finding a relationship which has a healthy balance of give and take is commonly referred to as an organic phenomenon. Successful relationships are characterized as but are not limited to the following: connectedness, attraction, selection, closeness, mutuality, intimacy, sharing, enhanced communication, rules, fidelity, loyalty, a commitment and a sense of continuity.

Typically, Givers are the ones with a positive grasp on reality. They have a tendency to fix their own problems and have a strong desire to help others fix their problems in a similar fashion. Takers, on the other hand commonly play the role of the victim. These types have a tendency to constantly look for ways to control the relationship while making excuses for their own faulty behavior.

As you can see this can create a situation in which at first, both sides are attracted to one another for opposing reasons. The giver sees the taker as a "project" in which he/she can fix as the taker sees the giver as a "security blanket" in which he/she can control or manipulate without showing vulnerability. This creates the perfect equation for the common "unhappy" relationship. Logically it makes sense that these two types of people are drawn to one another initially. However it's also fairly clear that in a long term relationship these two types of people will grow to loath and resent one another. So the question is why do so many of us remain in such a union?

For the giver, several things impact his/her decision to remain in this type of relationship. Givers typically give both physically and emotionally in an attempt to show how much they truly care. They also usually have a type A personality which makes it difficult to swallow the fact that they might not be able to find a solution to the problem at hand. The combination of these things along with his/her insecurity makes it even more difficult for the giver to see just how toxic the relationship has become.

As for the taker, there are also several factors that contribute to their complacency. The taker, who longs for control in fear of getting hurt, is in control in this particular relationship and doesn't want to lose his/her "security blanket." He/She also possesses the ability to have a relationship without making much of an effort due to the givers work ethic. Despite attempts to confine himself from emotional attachment, the taker does in fact care for the giver which in turn makes it difficult to let go.

The "One"

Do you believe in Unicorns? How about Big Foot? OK, the Loch Ness Monster? I am going to assume that the answer to these questions is a resounding no. However, I am concerned that many of the same people who answered no to the questions above, say "yes" to the oft asked, "Do you believe in the one?" Depending on your upbringing, magazines you've read or the romantic comedies you've watched you might very well be one of the unfortunate few who still believe in Mr./Mrs. "Right."

Having never been married or divorced I am not going to spit out the skewed divorce rate statistics that we hear on a regular basis. However I will ask you to look back at your own past relationships. How did you handle them?! As humans we are all apt to make mistakes, but when relationships don't work out, many of us are too quick to point the finger. It seems much of the time we tend to overlook good qualities and point out the bad in our significant other because we are simply expecting them to be perfect, or in other words our tainted idea of "the one."

So what are the credentials for "the one?" How do we come up with them? Do we set ourselves up for failure by unrealistic expectations?

Typically when one comprises a list of attributes they are looking for in a companion, it consists of all the positives of past partners. So in essence what we are looking for borders between fantasy and delusion. Hoping to meet someone with all the traits you are looking for isn't bad, but more often than not it's unrealistic. It's difficult not to strive for a storybook relationship with a Hollywood ending when searching for a partner, but expecting to meet someone who's all good and no bad is relatively immature.

Perhaps the problem lies in the idea that each of us has a type. The truth is we all do have certain characteristics we are drawn to, however the problem is matching our physical desires and emotional demands with one person. You are more likely to see a UFO then find a partner with all of the good characteristics and none of the ones which rub you the wrong way. Expecting quality is obviously a good thing and I would never ask you to settle for something less than what makes you happy.

However an average person meets around 100,000 people in his lifetime. And out of those thousands of people you think there is only one person for you?!? If so you're in for a big surprise and an even lonelier journey to relational solitude.

State of the "Union" Address

At some point in our lives all of us have been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Some good, some bad. Some fun, some boring. Some dramatic, some complacent. The question isn't whether or not we've been in relationships, but why do so many people settle for less than what they really want? Is it because we hope that one day that person will evolve into what we've always wanted? Do we sometimes cling to the brief glimpses of hope that we see in our significant other? Or maybe are we just afraid this is good as it gets?

For whatever the reason, monogamous relationships are vastly becoming a leisure activity rather than a "union" of two people. Now, I am not saying that all relationships are like this. You might very well be in the group of people who consider themselves involved in a "happy" relationship. If you are one of those people, congratulations! For now...

If you look at the word relationship, there are two "I's." Perhaps this is what's wrong with the modern day relationship in itself. The nature of a relationship and of "love" is to care about someone more than you care about your own agenda. I'm not saying that looking out for yourself is completely bad, because at certain points in our lives we must do so. What I am saying is that our society and its self-absorbed way of life, has turned what is supposed to be the "union" of two people into a constant battle for "I want" and "I need's."

I understand that each person is different and each require different levels of emotional and physical demands in order to be happy, but one might infer that in order to be in a happy and successful relationship he might want to find a healthy balance of sacrifice and compromise. The constant need for instant gratification by both sexes has created what has become a relationship epidemic. We all want what we can't have, and we want it immediately. Then once we get it we lose the majority of interest. So would it take for us to maintain that level of intrigue?!?