Eb and Flow

One minute, she's the best thing to ever happen to you, the next, your worst nightmare. One day he might be your prince charming, the next, just another "silver-tongued" asshole. At some point in every relationship, we all experience ups and downs, highs and lows, good days and bad days. However, how we choose to handle such times determines how successful our relationships will be. So when experiencing the Eb and Flow of a relationship, do you confront the conflict head on, or do you push it aside in hopes that you will both forget about it?



By now, I hope that the majority of adults accept the fact that "happily ever after" is much more of a fantasy than any type of reality in regards to a relationship. But, if you are someone who believes in Prince Charming and or the perfect relationship, you are probably in a relationship that experiences a high volume of ups and downs on a consistent basis. There are several keys to solving such a problem, but it takes both sides being mature enough to admit guilt or wrong-doing.



5 Keys to Minimize Eb and Flow:



1). Avoid bringing up past arguments



2). If at all possible, keep yelling to a minimum



3). Listen to opposing view



4). Step away for reflection



5). Talk it Out

An "I" for an "I"

On Monday, I briefly touched on the aspect of people becoming increasingly selfish in monogamous relationships. When listening to friends, family and acquaintances discuss relationships I always hear people say, "I want," or "I need" and maybe even "I wish he or she would do this...," when discussing their respective relationships. However I rarely hear any "We" statements or comments such as "I need to work on..," or "I made a mistake..." in conversations about one's significant other. Obviously I'm not around these individuals or couples on a regular basis, but I do believe there is something fundamentally wrong with this way of thinking in regards to a relationship.



I remember when I was about 20 years old and discussing a relationship with my father. I kept saying "I wish," "I want," and "I need" in my comments I was making about my girlfriend at the time. He stopped me and said, "Christopher, if you ever want to be with someone long term you have to stop thinking I and start thinking we." To my dismay, I still remember that conversation like it was yesterday. I am as guilty as any person of being selfish in my relationships but have, through repeated mistakes, come to realize how important it is to, on occasion, put my significant others needs first.

Contrary to popular belief, relationship aren't about power or even about being in control. The want or need to be in control is a direct reflection of insecurity. Upon entering a relationship, each person is afraid of getting hurt, but one might say that to be in a relationship is to be vulnerable. By saying this, I am not saying you are to be completely selfless when romantically involved, because that's just an open invitation to be taken advantage of. What I am saying is that you must decide if the person you are with is more important than a particular want or "need." More importantly, you must be able to determine if you are mature enough to be able to give enough to even be involved in a long-term relationship.

So, I guess the consensus might be that we are in fact our own worst enemy when it comes to romance.

The Give and Take

One way or another a relationship between a man and a woman typically possesses a giver and a taker. Sure, you might find that rare relationship in which both sides equally give and take, but a vast majority of people are inherently givers or takers. Finding a relationship which has a healthy balance of give and take is commonly referred to as an organic phenomenon. Successful relationships are characterized as but are not limited to the following: connectedness, attraction, selection, closeness, mutuality, intimacy, sharing, enhanced communication, rules, fidelity, loyalty, a commitment and a sense of continuity.

Typically, Givers are the ones with a positive grasp on reality. They have a tendency to fix their own problems and have a strong desire to help others fix their problems in a similar fashion. Takers, on the other hand commonly play the role of the victim. These types have a tendency to constantly look for ways to control the relationship while making excuses for their own faulty behavior.

As you can see this can create a situation in which at first, both sides are attracted to one another for opposing reasons. The giver sees the taker as a "project" in which he/she can fix as the taker sees the giver as a "security blanket" in which he/she can control or manipulate without showing vulnerability. This creates the perfect equation for the common "unhappy" relationship. Logically it makes sense that these two types of people are drawn to one another initially. However it's also fairly clear that in a long term relationship these two types of people will grow to loath and resent one another. So the question is why do so many of us remain in such a union?

For the giver, several things impact his/her decision to remain in this type of relationship. Givers typically give both physically and emotionally in an attempt to show how much they truly care. They also usually have a type A personality which makes it difficult to swallow the fact that they might not be able to find a solution to the problem at hand. The combination of these things along with his/her insecurity makes it even more difficult for the giver to see just how toxic the relationship has become.

As for the taker, there are also several factors that contribute to their complacency. The taker, who longs for control in fear of getting hurt, is in control in this particular relationship and doesn't want to lose his/her "security blanket." He/She also possesses the ability to have a relationship without making much of an effort due to the givers work ethic. Despite attempts to confine himself from emotional attachment, the taker does in fact care for the giver which in turn makes it difficult to let go.